ESPL Week 6: Explosive Remarks

coveresplThe great round of action in week 6 is overshadowed… not by last week’s announcement, though that was in the minds of everyone around the ESPL, but by Patrick Barnes and his tirade after being tossed out of the match in front of all the ESPL media. There was great action on the pitch as well, as we turn things over to David Archer and Martin Thomas in the Week 6 review.

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“There were three draws this week in some knock out, drag out action,” said David Archer, ESPL commentator. “The league leaders lost one of their lead players and the world heard all about it. Martin, where do you want to start this week?”

“I want to start with the game of the week,” said Martin Thomas, ESPL commentator. “Not only is the last match on the schedule for the week the spotlight game, but it proved to be the one everyone was interested in as we entered the final match of the weekend. Shazam CM punched through for seven total goals to Tardis’s two, giving Taoufik Belbani a hat trick and the statement of the week: Shazam is here to stay.”

“They really took their place as one of the clubs to beat if anyone wants to take the championship this season,” said Archer. “Honestly, I never doubted Shazam had the opportunities, I was just surprised they hadn’t capitalized like this sooner. They really are capable of this type of performance four out of every five matches.”

“Some players were distracted by the announcements made last week,” said Thomas. “Some were distracted by the enlargement of the league for season four, but there were more heads concerned that they would be playing women next season.”

“In fairness, Martin, there haven’t been a rash of signups for the ladies at this point,” said Archer. “I mean, those players who think that they’ll be shown up by the women are the ones who probably don’t understand that if they want to be considered the best, they have to be willing to play all comers. Just because the gender may be different doesn’t mean that the league will looked down upon.”

“I know we’re both avoiding the elephant in the room, so why don’t we hit that up?”

“Martin, the story of the week is undoubtedly Patrick Barnes. The Naval Armada forward has been boisterous, vocal, and he’s not shy about touting his own capabilities. The unfortunate part of what Barnes did this week, though, really may have hurt Armada’s chances of staying in the hunt for the championship.”

“Patrick Barnes had gotten a yellow card for a questionably vicious tackle early in the match against Allen FC,” said Thomas. “Normally, when a player obtains a yellow card, especially for something as questionably damaging as his tackle, the player takes a lighter approach to the match and rarely sees themselves getting into further card trouble. Not Barnes. Just after the 35th minute, Allen FC team captain Charles Alexander went towards the goal for a shot, Barnes not only knocked him over but stepped on the opponent while he was down, really causing some concern on the pitch from both clubs. Barnes received a straight red card, though a yellow would have done the job, and the ESPL has imposed a six week ban for Barnes’s actions on the pitch. He was vocal at the media conference after the match.”

“This is a bunch of sh–,” said Patrick Barnes at the media. “I’m targeted because I’m a f–king awesome player. Chuck had no damn business flopping down like he did and if you look at the G—–mned replay, you’ll see he blatantly grabbed my foot and pulled it into his chest. This league needs to be more diligent if we want to show the f–king world we deserve to be considered among the best. The officiating squad out there is a bunch of whipped p—ies and they couldn’t hold my jock strap. There isn’t a one of those f–king jack wagons that has a hint of talent, which is why they’re tossing yellow and red cards around for a living. I’m being targeted. Targeted. This is a bunch of sh–!”

“The ESPL had initially given Barnes the six week ban for stomping on Charles Alexander,” said Archer. “They extended that to ten weeks after Barnes’s tirade towards the media.”

“We have no place for that kind of verbal assault in the ESPL,” said Thomas. “Barnes was clearly out of line. He claims Alexander grabbed his foot to ‘flop’ the injury, but we know that the incident resulted in Alexander having bruised ribs. He hasn’t been assessed for play in week seven but to have that kind of medical results from something like that, you can’t really claim you’ve been targeted.”

“Part of the reason that Celtic let Barnes go without a bidding war was exactly this type of hot headed play,” said Archer. “There could have been something of a bidding war for Barnes but Celtic put up a paltry number compared to what Armada offered. I wouldn’t be surprised if Armada starts trying to shop Barnes’s contract to see if they can recuperate some of their investment.”

“Barnes is a talented player, but in comparison to Khan Galaxy, who is considered the best player in this league as far as talent goes, he’s barely in the same conversation. Galaxy’s anguish when the card came out was really the image of the week in my opinion.”

“Khan Galaxy was asked to speak in front of the media, too, and he declined. The coaching staff of Naval Armada wanted to keep others off the microphones after Barnes went rogue like he did.”

“Six match ban to a ten match ban. Simply unbelievable.”

“We should finish up the week’s review by pointing out we had three draws this week, Gothica reclaimed sole possession of the top spot in the league, and the second place is really a four club race between Naval Armada, Shazam CM, Emerald United, and Shamrock Celtic. While Celtic is two points farther behind than the other three clubs, they’re still a contender.”

“I wonder if Armada is going to show some cracks on the pitch next week in the absence of Patrick Barnes?”

“Time will tell, Martin. For the ESPL week in review, I’m David Archer.”

“And I’m Martin Thomas. We shall see you next week.”